When I DID come across a topic that was harder to grasp or that I couldn't figure out on my own, I became extremely frustrated! (Understatement of the year) Thankfully for those instances, I had my dad. My dad is brilliant. As a child, I remember thinking my dad knew everything. LITERALLY everything. But, Dad is a civil engineer. NOT A TEACHER. This fact, combined with our similar personalities (both type A perfectionists) created disastrous experiences at our dining room table for both my dad and I...although at the time, I'm sure I thought I was the only one suffering. To be fair, I should state, there was no torture going on (at least not anywhere but in my head). There was no belittling or verbal assault (at least not anywhere but in my head). There was just pure unadulterated frustration, on the part of BOTH of us. I was frustrated with myself because I was so used to everything coming easy and with my dad because he was supposed to be able to supply a simple solution that would make me understand. My dad was frustrated because it was all so simple to him yet he couldn't figure out how to get me to understand (Again...NOT A TEACHER!!) and frustrated because he wanted me to do well. Eventually we would bridge that gap in understanding, but never before many tears had been shed on my part. And of course, as is typical of any child, I thought, "I will NEVER do this when my own kids ask for help with their homework."
I bet you can guess where this one is going. Yep. A few months ago, I was slapped in the face with a reality stick while trying to "help" Jadyn with her homework. And I'm pretty sure that I was actually a little (or a lot) more maniacal than I ever thought my dad was.
Jadyn was working on her science fair presentation and had her poster board out on our table as I was getting ready to leave for work. She asked me a simple question about the project and I went into "crazy perfectionist mother" mode. And I couldn't stop myself. I was telling her things like, "You need to practice writing on a separate piece of paper before you write on the board because I don't want to see misspelled words, sloppy writing, or eraser marks" and "Make sure everything is evenly spaced". REALLY?? Those are MY OWN OCD tendencies. I knew what I was saying was crazy, but I couldn't stop myself and I went on and on and on and on... And out of the corner of my eye, I could see Christian standing in the kitchen with his jaw on the floor. When I accidentally made eye contact with him in the middle of my rant, he exaggeratedly mouthed the word, "STOP" to me. And I STILL couldn't stop. I wasn't yelling, and I was even fighting laughter because I KNEW I was acting like a nut, but I just felt it was extremely important for Jadyn to do it my way. Finally Christian spoke up and said, "BABY...COME. HERE." I took the five foot walk of shame to him and he grabbed me up in a hug and whispered in my ear, "Deni, stop. She will do fine." At this point I was fighting both laughter AND tears. But I still couldn't stop. I said goodbye to everyone and as I said goodbye to Jadyn, I felt the need to spout off some more "enlightening words of wisdom".
I couldn't stop thinking about it all night. I had just put an incredibly amount of pressure on my ten year old daughter, to be perfect. I wasn't cruel in my tone, or even in the words I was using. But what the heck was I THINKING?!? I was thinking, "I want my child to do her best, to live up to her potential, to have pride in her work." But what I'm sure was coming across was, "I want my child to be perfect, and if she is not, I will not be proud of her". In that moment of reflection I realized that although the interaction I had with Jadyn was much different than the interaction between my dad and I, the motives BEHIND those interactions were the same...and pure. Parenting is hard. There is no handbook. I can't say I won't react like that again. In fact I can say that I probably WILL. I am a perfectionist but I am not perfect. All I can do is admit to my children that I have weaknesses too. And that even though I may seem like I expect the world out of them, I am proud of all of them just the way they are.
I AM just like my dad, in the sense that we both want the best for our children, that we love our children unconditionally, and that we are proud of our kids for their own individual accomplishments. I have become my dad, and I am proud of that.
I bet you can guess where this one is going. Yep. A few months ago, I was slapped in the face with a reality stick while trying to "help" Jadyn with her homework. And I'm pretty sure that I was actually a little (or a lot) more maniacal than I ever thought my dad was.
Jadyn was working on her science fair presentation and had her poster board out on our table as I was getting ready to leave for work. She asked me a simple question about the project and I went into "crazy perfectionist mother" mode. And I couldn't stop myself. I was telling her things like, "You need to practice writing on a separate piece of paper before you write on the board because I don't want to see misspelled words, sloppy writing, or eraser marks" and "Make sure everything is evenly spaced". REALLY?? Those are MY OWN OCD tendencies. I knew what I was saying was crazy, but I couldn't stop myself and I went on and on and on and on... And out of the corner of my eye, I could see Christian standing in the kitchen with his jaw on the floor. When I accidentally made eye contact with him in the middle of my rant, he exaggeratedly mouthed the word, "STOP" to me. And I STILL couldn't stop. I wasn't yelling, and I was even fighting laughter because I KNEW I was acting like a nut, but I just felt it was extremely important for Jadyn to do it my way. Finally Christian spoke up and said, "BABY...COME. HERE." I took the five foot walk of shame to him and he grabbed me up in a hug and whispered in my ear, "Deni, stop. She will do fine." At this point I was fighting both laughter AND tears. But I still couldn't stop. I said goodbye to everyone and as I said goodbye to Jadyn, I felt the need to spout off some more "enlightening words of wisdom".
I couldn't stop thinking about it all night. I had just put an incredibly amount of pressure on my ten year old daughter, to be perfect. I wasn't cruel in my tone, or even in the words I was using. But what the heck was I THINKING?!? I was thinking, "I want my child to do her best, to live up to her potential, to have pride in her work." But what I'm sure was coming across was, "I want my child to be perfect, and if she is not, I will not be proud of her". In that moment of reflection I realized that although the interaction I had with Jadyn was much different than the interaction between my dad and I, the motives BEHIND those interactions were the same...and pure. Parenting is hard. There is no handbook. I can't say I won't react like that again. In fact I can say that I probably WILL. I am a perfectionist but I am not perfect. All I can do is admit to my children that I have weaknesses too. And that even though I may seem like I expect the world out of them, I am proud of all of them just the way they are.
I AM just like my dad, in the sense that we both want the best for our children, that we love our children unconditionally, and that we are proud of our kids for their own individual accomplishments. I have become my dad, and I am proud of that.
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